Introduction
Ok, let's be real, dating is a beast. It
requires us to stretch ourselves and take leaps of faith, moving us out of our comfort
zone and into, sometimes, uncomfortable waters. On your journey you're
likely going have some pretty weird and embarrassing experiences with many, many dead ends. On top of all that, we're dealing with other
people's feelings. It's kind of a big deal. If you're like many of us, there are going to be some tears
involved, both on your side and your prospective partner's side. All in
all it's a pretty frustrating process.
However, as many of us know, it's not all doom
and gloom. When a relationship does finally click, there's nothing quite
like it. What can compare to the butterflies in your tummy when you and
that pretty girl you've been daydreaming about all day finally admit you like each
other, or when the stars finally align and you and that good looking guy share your
first kiss? Nothing. The problem is, as great as all of these
experiences are, without a first date, they’re pretty much doomed to stay daydreams.
Points of Improvement
Alright, agreed, that's all fine and dandy, but maybe you've been stuck in a rut lately and you feel like that special someone you’re searching for may just not be in the cards for you. Well,
DON'T YOU WORRY CHILD, you're in good company, we've all been there at some point (except for maybe those ridiculously attractive people with stellar personalities), and it's frustrating.
So, what do you do?
Well first, understand you're not permanently un-dateable,
there might just be a few points of
improvement to be made. The following is a list of reasons that we might be
missing out on first dates or why first dates might seem so few and far between.
This is by no means an exhaustive list. However, it is pretty comprehensive, and it points out some of the more common mistakes
relationship-challenged individuals make.
As a disclaimer, this list talks about getting FIRST DATES, it doesn't talk about how to maintain relationships, that's a whole different topic. Additionally, the ideas here come mostly from observation and experience. Meaning, it is subjective, so take it for what it’s worth. You never know, you could
learn something. Now that we covered that, here they are, nine reasons we might not be getting first dates.
(P.s. - Click the all caps words for surprises!)
1) We're Not Minding Hygiene
You'd think this would be obvious, but sadly, it gets overlooked sometimes. Sorry, but it has to be said, if you want to get dates, it's
not ok to smell like
B.O. or to have layers of plaque on your teeth. Admittedly, it is a little hard to speak for everyone, we all
have different preferences on the matter, but one thing we should all be able to agree on is that we at least need to put a little effort into good personal hygiene. That being said, what do you do?
It’s not rocket surgery, people. Ask yourself, "How am I presenting
myself?" Am I sloppy in my appearance? What do I smell like? Is my hair out
of control? Did I brush my teeth? If you're not sure, ask a close friend (preferably of the opposite sex) to offer their opinion. However, make sure and tell them to be honest (and make sure to ask someone who has good hygiene themselves). Don't
be offended if they come back with a negative response. Bottom line; we need to be aware of how we are physically presenting ourselves to the (dating) world.
2) We Don't Understand the Principle of Matching
This can be a little difficult to
understand fully. THIS VIDEO can shed a little light onto the concept behind the idea. Basically, what it comes down to is that we tend to be
better off with people that we "match" with on a physical level.
Yes, that sounds super shallow, but all of us need to have a healthy
attraction, and as it turns out, we tend to be drawn to people who are about as
attractive as we are physically.
One of the most frustrating situations to observe
is when, not taking into account matching, a guy continually gets rejected by women that are clearly out of his
league, or when a girl can't understand why a guy, a little too good looking for her, isn't falling head over heels. That's not to say we are unattractive if we're not getting the attention of those we think are good looking, sometimes we have to be honest with ourselves and recognize when we're shooting to high, or even too low. Yes, we can sometimes make
a reverse judgment and date people who might not be a good physical match for us. While this might not seem like a terrible situation, I promise you, it will come back to be something you will have
to deal with later on in the relationship. So, yes, shoot high! Shoot for the stars! But if you're not raking in dates, it might be time to look at matching.
3) We Take Dating Too Seriously (Too Soon)
This problem manifests itself in how we can
sometimes think that going on just one date with a person means you two are
going to end up together. Obviously, that's not the case. It's okay
to let someone down nicely after a date or two if you're not feeling it. Dating is a process.
Too often we find ourselves not even making the
first move in asking someone on or accepting a date because we feel like we’re
going to be locked into a relationship.
Well, get over it. And tell your potential date to get over it too. One date
doesn’t make the marriage bells ring (usually), so meet different people, take
chances, and have fun. Above all, be
yourself. Don’t take the situation too
seriously and ENJOY THE RIDE.
4) We're Not Ready
There are a
million reasons why we might not be ready for dating just yet. The most obvious
is that we may have just broke up with someone and we are still recovering. Another iteration of this is when we're still holding on, a year later, and we haven't yet let go of a
past relationship or maybe we're still hung up on a crush. Other non-relationship reasons could be that we are still recovering from
some type of addiction or emotionally exhausting experience and we're not quite
ready for something that requires our whole heart and real self. Maybe we're just plain scared of relationships, and we are treating them like they'll never last.
Whatever the reason is, when we're not ready, we're
not ready. There's no shame is sitting out of the game for a little bit
get your bearings back. One of my favorite videos about recovery after a
relationship is THIS ONE (courtesy of Wong Fu). Sometimes
we need to slow down and heal before we can move forward. There is one danger in this, however. When we are done healing and emotionally ready, we can't use our past as an excuse for not moving forward. Let the light in. When you're ready, don't hold yourself back by purposefully not being willing to get out there and fight for it again.
5) We're Too Picky
We all want our Knights in Shining Armor or Snow
Whites, but a hard fact of life is that not all of our potential partners are
going to be exactly what we want. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean
that we should lower our reasonable standards, but we should get rid of the
ridiculous ones.
One of the best rules I've heard of came from a TALK by
Brent A Barlow, a former professor of marriage, family, and human
development at Brigham Young University. He mentioned what he called the 80/20 Rule.
The 80/20 Rule basically states that if we can find someone who fulfills
80% of our needs, then it's a minor miracle and this person will likely be good
enough. Good enough is not settling, it's accepting that we can still be happy, even without 100% of what we were looking for. So, next time you see someone that is pretty
cute, but you’re not sure if you want to bite, remember the 80/20
rule and GIVE HIM OR HER A SHOT.
6) We Aren't Willing to Put Ourselves Out There
Dating is not a spectator's sport. It's not a
passive affair. Sometimes we need to get down and dirty (in a very
appropriate way) in order to find what we're looking for. That means we
might get rejected a few (or many) times or we might find ourselves having to
go way out of our comfort zone to make things happen. But it's not okay
for us to sit around in our apartment expecting Mr. Right or Ms. Right to come
knocking on our door. It doesn’t
(usually) work like that. We need to allow ourselves to be VULNERABLE.
Men (and I mean REAL MEN), go for it. Ask
that girl that you've been thinking about asking out, on a date. If it
doesn’t work out do some self-evaluation (remember hygiene, matching, 80/20)
and get back in the ring! Girls, break away from your little group of girly
friends and give guys an opportunity to talk to you and ask you out. Also
girls, just so you know, guys can be pretty thick. If you are
interested, it's going to take a lot more than just batting your eyelashes at
them. Bottom line, go out and make it happen. Put in the effort.
7) We Have Inner Conflicts
This problem is somewhat along the lines of not being ready.
The idea is that we still have some unresolved conflicts within ourselves.
Stephen Covey in his book Seven Habits of Highly Effective People
talks about how we need to rack up some private victories, meaning
victories within ourselves, before we can start scoring some public victories,
victories involving other people. If we are doing things that we know are
not in our best interest, not being able to control ourselves, we're going likely suffering from some inner conflicts.
Some examples of this are if we lack control in our
spending and aren't being wise with our finances. It could mean lacking self-discipline
in our eating or exercise habits. The problem with these inner conflicts is that they eat away at our self-respect and self-confidence (a point we will touch on), making us less likely to go for the gold, and leaving us feeling less than attractive.
8) We Lack Confidence
It's hard to sell your cause if you don't believe
in it yourself. Likewise, if we don't think we are worth dating, we're
going to have a hard time finding someone else who will. This won't be
because others won't try to see the best in us, but because we are going to
consciously or unconsciously push them away. JOHNNY LINGO is a great
movie, but more often than not, we are going to have to be our own Johnny Lingo's to bring out the
good in ourselves, so we can help bring it out in others.
9) We're Not Our Best Selves
If I had to sum up the whole of what we just
discussed, it would be that we’re probably not getting dates because we are not
our best selves. When everything is said
and done, when we are at our best, we are pretty dang
attractive. We have confidence because
we have conquered our inner conflicts, we will feel ready to put ourselves out
there, and we know what we want and where we’re going.
If you feel like you are not getting dates,
then work on yourself. Change what you
can change; because here’s a secret, you can’t change other people. The only thing you really have control over is you, or your actions and thoughts. Change
moves from the inside out, and if we want to see results, we need to make sure we start on the inside first.
Conclusion
Yes, dating is a beast.
We’ve established that, but it's beast that can be
tamed.
You can do dating.
Billions of people have done it (literally), and
many, many people have found happiness in it.
Accept that you’re going to have to flounder around for a little, maybe even
a long time, but it only takes one person to end the dating game (relationships, however, are a whole different discussion).
So, need a PEP TALK? You can do this. Have confidence and believe. Be ready to try different things and
fail. Give that good guy or nice girl a
chance; he or she is probably has a lot more to offer than you think. If you're struggling with one or more of these problems, now's the time to do some personal inventory and get your love life back on track!
Again, much of what has been discussed reflects personal experiences and observations. Obviously, I'm no dating expert, so much of this post was done mostly for fun. Additionally, all of us fall short in one or more of these problems from time to time at different times in our lives. You're not going to find one person who has all of these completely figured out. As Stephen Covey has said, we need to be continually sharpening the saw. Above all, we need to celebrate our small victories. Remember, progress is evolutionary, not revolutionary, and we're not going to build our "dating Rome" in a day. That being said, do you have any ideas? Let me know what you think. Leave a comment, suggestion, or experience. And of course, don't forget, we're all in this
TOGETHER.
Good luck friends, I believe in you!
- Morgan
Politics. A sort of a hiss and a by word for many of us. However, 'tis the season. No, not quite Christmas yet, but it might feel like some kind of holiday with all the campaign signs and commercials. That's right, it's midterm elections! Yay! While we're not quite at that point when we vote for president or senators in our state yet (we're actually halfway there, thus the phrase midterm elections), there are some cool things happening (I guess depending on which side of the aisle you're sitting on).
Still convinced voting isn't for you? Well, here are a couple reasons you should consider voting:
Although you might not be a political junkie (though, if you want to start, there are plenty of places that can help you move in that direction; my personal favorite for Utah is UtahPolicy.com), it is important to be aware of the important decisions being made around us in our state and country. You might not always see the immediate results of these policies, but you will feel them over time, so why not decide to be a little more informed and a little more concerned? And how about you start today, with your vote?
